James walked out of the dining hall. As he walked outside, a gang of boys started jeering, he could see a familiar face in the crowd of boys, they sounded like a bunch of animals from the jungle.

“Get him!!!” said a voice from the crowd.

He could distinctly hear someone trying to creep up on him. He bent down. He saw an object looking sharp and shiny. What was it? He narrowly missed another hit. Then he turned around and floored the assailant. A pencil fell out of his hand. There was a burst of laughter.

“You moppets” said James.”A pencil, how dumb can you get?”

“Here” said James while picking up the familiar face off the cold, hard, stone floor.
“Daniel…” Then he laughed.

The bell rang; it was the end of lunchtime. James walked off into the distance, quickly; he didn’t want to be late for registration. James was 16 years old; he had just started Year 11. He had a witty attitude, he was smart, but he loves to mess around. He was one of the most helpful, most friendly people in the world. He was unpopular with people because he was regarded as a nerd. He had turned into a nerd over the years, he started out as an average kid, his friends were few, but they were loyal.

ROT, you have some serious Mary Sue problems here. Give your character some flaws, it adds depth.

Well...there's a multitude of issues.

You jump around so we're not quite sure where we are and it reads as if there's nothing really connecting the sentences to each other. There's very little description, just you telling us things. And yes, there is a difference.

James seems like quite the Gary-Stu so far. And if he's, assumably, so well liked, why was he attacked in the beginning of the chapter?

OW! MY EYES!

*Gasp* Sorry. It's really bad to describe your character. Only their physical appearance. The rest should be done in dialog.

He is a Gary-Sue. No event can change that, only a flaw in their personality.

Well later I was going to say that he is kinda unpopular, I've edited it in....

Thx for the comments, TD7

The issues haven't changed. As for describing characters through dialogue...yes and no. You don't want to "tell" the reader anything (some instances are unavoidable), rather you should "show" them. There's no real way to explain it other than that. The reader needs to be able to see the character's character (XD) through their actions which does include their dialogue.

Ok, errm I'll do that in the next chapter. You guys/gals are always helping me. Thanks for that.

That's just a way. I meant that their speech and actions should show what kind of person they are. This becomes hard on the author to keep their actions consistent. It's my main issue. I feel like making an pointless analogy, so I will.

Thunder_dude7:Character Development::Crimson:Action Scenes

THe thing that strikes me is the title and the content;

It is excessively unnexciting. Look:

" The Average School life of James Kinder"

^What is in the title that would make a person want to read it? The title is telling me that the dude is average, and that it's set at school. If the person is the age where they attend secondary/high school they'd think 'my god, I have enough trouble with school as it is, why would I want to read another account of it. It's average and nothing exciting will happen. Average really is a bad word in my opinion, as it is in no way inviting to the reader. Perhaps if there was something else in the title that stood out as a contrast to the apparently 'boring' connotations that 'average' brings to mind. I mean, an amusing one might be

"The Average Shool Life of Death,"

or perhaps something that tells the reader that the story is far from average, despite having it in the title, drawing out an immediate contrast between the main charrie's life and the reader's own.

The content is also uninviting. Nothing happens that makes the character want to read on, it's all a little bland and...well, average.

Oh, and:



Firstly, you've jumped between tenses. Second, as Crimson pointed out, you're telling the reader his personality, rather than conveying it.

Consider:



Compared with...



Okay, I've colour coded all of this to point out key places that outline his personality:

Meticulous - Why does he fold it in half if he's putting it in the bin? Meticulous to the point of illogicallity (wow, made up word)

Doesn't care about other's feelings. - Cares more about his own profit than Miss Barack's well-being.

Keeps time perfectly. - Simple as, read the coloured bits.

See how the reader is informed of all these things without directly telling them? Of course, this was just a sample, and I didn't spend all that long, but the trick is to do it discreetly, almost brainwashing the reader into identifying the character without them realising. It's a neat trick, and it's how a reader becomes emmersed in a story; they don't realise they've been hooked.

I hope this helped, do tell me if it didn't, and I'll try harder.

Thanks, TOW. I'll change the title